That even though I haven't posted in a while, there's a reason.

Life isn't all it's worked out to be. There's too many emotions building up and I need to let at least someone know what's going on.

I started self mutilating myself about 3 months ago when it was too much. My parents were screaming at the top of their lungs, I've received many awful text messages from people, too many things I screwed up, I didn't know what to do. I saw other people cut, and...
I don't know what I was thinking, so now here I am, destroying myself with scratches and cuts. I'd never go too deep, but enough to feel the pain.
In the song " Iris by The GooGoo Dolls " part of the lyrics really touched me.
" You bleed just to know you're alive. "
That's sort of what it's like, and for people who don't understand, I don't expect you to. It's something only the person itself really understands.

Next thing in my life -
My mother isn't really my mom - she's my grandmother.
My real mother is living in the streets, her birthday was two days ago. She gave me up when I was born, because she was doing drugs and alcohol, she still is.
I've overheard my Grandparents talking about my dad - that my mom met him at a Christian University, then they ran off together and had a kid. I've never seen my dad before,

Next!
I'm bullied. Constantly, every day, and what hurts the most is the people who destroy me every day, pretend they're my friends.

There's this guy. Ryan, I've liked him for a good long amount of time, and then there's this $@#!* that is good friends with him.  I am too but it's only after school where we hang out a certain tree and talk for 20 minutes.
Let's start from the beginning - He asked for my number a few months back, gave it to him, we talked constantly for a few weeks, it lowered down to a few times a week, to not at all. Our friendship is still lasting, but not as much as he is with this other girl who he's blinded to know that she'll break his heart and never be friends with him again. That's what she does, gets any guy she wants, then leaves them for nothing. I feel bad for him in a way, because he can enjoy her all he wants, but in the end he's the real one heartbroken.
So this girl asked him out, I'm not positive because I heard her say " Will you go... " and I ran away crying and nobody saw me.
He said yes - I KNOW IT. There's no doubt he did.

But the sad thing is, he was my only hope in life. I thought if maybe he's single, there could be something between us. I was wrong, now everything in my life is crumbled into pieces, no motivation, no hope,

Goodbye, (: